RED ALERT! AMERICA HAS A NEW THREAT!

Now, don’t start panicking!! (That means you, USDemocrazy editor.)

The US Department of Homeland security has released a new report citing the increased risk of domestic terrorist groups. Here’s the full ten-page report.

The threats are from right-wing extremist groups. With returning veterans and a weak economy, the report suggests conditions are right for new violent groups to form.

Although the DHS report cites no current violent groups, there is historical evidence. Timothy McVeigh, of the Oklahoma City Bombing, was a home-grown terrorist and right-wing extremist.

Now don’t get too flustered. The most recent serious threats to Washington have not come in the form of terrorist bombs but of tea bags. That’s right — conservative protesters have been mailing tea bags as a sign of protest.

These “Tea Baggers” are trying to invoke the memory of the Boston Tea Party when pre-Revolutionary colonials rejected British taxes by tossing British tea in to Boston Harbor. The modern day anti-tax citizens have been sending tea bags to Washington to protest new US taxes.

Security-minded officials have confiscated some of these tea bags (whose unknown content was deemed so threatening that some Congressional offices were evacuated).

But for now, all the Department of Homeland Security has to worry about is unauthorized tea breaks. Let’s hope it stays that way.